Saying when fact (air turns force one of the outstanding dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y. Has built a shrine to Webber entirely out of empty 9 Lives cans. Spends all day litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones. After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss. Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines. Your stereo is missing, and the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip. Makes attempt on First Sock's life a pathetic attempt to impress from Just 4 Laughs! Rules for cats who have a house to run Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Swenson, Lake Park, MN I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered outside door opened, stand halfway and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs. II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this time, get to Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, is a good substitute. When urping on be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as as a human's bare foot. III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything just sit and stare. IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping; humans are known to refer to it as hampering. The following are the rules for helping: a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get close under the between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work the most appropriate manner as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks spite of what the humans tell you. d) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards keep mind the aim to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper front of him her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They to jump. V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something their arms; 2) the dark; and 3) When they first get up the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies effectively keep them pinned. VII. COMPUTERS: Rule no. 1: only show interest computers that are turned ON, the operator need